i'm home early today.

and i feel like puking. have been feeling pukish randomly of late.

today aint a good day. my results all totally suck - this must be the worst exam ever. i realised that so far my best grade is a C5. yup. the rest are C6 and fails. anyway. results dont matter that much to me, it's just yeah ant knows and feels the same way as me. but never mind, i'm going to work hard in the holidays so i wont disappoint mr so with my abysmal marks. i've done badly enough failing every single amaths test this term.

anyway, i guess the reason today aint a good day is because of the previous hour. my tears are cleaned away, my post has been saved in drafts, but the impact and the hurt remains. a few sentences can do very much. what is it that i cant do, that others can? i wna be like them although i dont understand. i wna be able to put down feelings and go around in their life without a constant metal chain weighing me down, too. how i wish i wasnt alone in all this stuffs. yes, no matter what, i am alone because i dont allow anyone to be with me yet. because i dont trust anyone else to know. because my pride wants me to put up a brave front. because my pride doesnt even allow me to cry over silly things like doing badly for amaths because marks arent supposed to matter to me. (but this is amaths) because i dont want to show how weak i am because of him. because he aint worth it, he's long gone and i'm a stupid fool left. because i can only cry now when the house is empty. because i can only act like nothing is wrong when people's around. because he haunts me.

although i said that sad posts shld be drafted, i want to post this - maybe i will look back in months and laugh at my childishness, like i have done with some of the times i was with yc. besides, only those close ones know my blog (and that is why, moon, i dont want to make it open) and i feel safe with you all.

i'm sorry.