i realise how life becomes so much meaningless w/o sch, w/o friends (much)
i haven gotten the urge to blog for so long, there jus aint nothing worth blogging.

anyway, i realised that as i put moon on a less important place, the rest of mushrooms esp ant and iv take a much impt place. i dont know about sal, although she's still important, i jus aint close to her. like in the chalet, the first person i wanted to call at that time was iv. then ant. then moon. sal's the last i'd think of. but i cant deny moon is still very impt. i cant deny when i talk, i'd still mention her first. i cant stop it. though i've told yc i've lost moon. well.

the trust i have in her is.. broken. more imperfect. with more cracks, holes. and im a person who once have lost trust in a person.. well. i dont know. i find it hard to trust her anymore. not that kind of trust, secret-telling trust type. i cant trust her and me to be close, i cant trust she'll treat me as some kind of besty, cant trust she'll pick me over sal.

the trust is gone.

i turn to ant and iv, although i know i'll never get the kind of laughter she can give, if she's happier with sal, i'd rather it'll stay this way.

but i admit i never felt ivie's importance till now.
i wonder who's she closest with?

oh well. i admit defeat.
ME. admitting defeat.

i dont want last year to happen all over again. sometimes i wonder if it's jus the ironic twist in life taunting me, punishing me for trying so hard to kick sal away from moon so i'll keep my relationship with her.

asdgnawjlngr lrn glfnbl adckbn arignaworing
how pathetic, im resorting to spouting gibberish to let off steam. fuck.