i think reading ibiee's blog is scary. i finished 4A and she finished 3A3B4A4B. i seriously nearly had a heart attack. omg. haha.

is my dad and mum's marriage gna fall apart? momma always, always, talk to us about him, tell us how mean he is, how bad he treats her, how irritating he is, how fuckedup his behaviour is in the office, and how tired she is, and how she's looking forward to quit her full time job in their office, and how he'll appreciate how impt she is to the office then. how he wldn't cope w/o her. the office they'd built up in years, from a small tiny ant business to a fairly successful business now, although not so successful everyone knows the name. but it's enough. they'd built it up themselves. two of them. from poor to not well-off but enough to get by now. now what's this? she complains about his pigheadedness and stubborness and his tendency to follow his friends instead of her advice. esp when my stubborness acts up too. (genes from dad) and when she's in a bad mood. she'll rant on and on. i described it as pms 24/7. (haha) but actually i dont want her to be like that. her health is not good. low blood pressure too. (that's where i get my lbp from) and even if she doesn't see it, she's as pigheaded and stubborn too. lol. leo's pride i suppose. coupled with dad's big ego. booom.

and she cant sleep at night. plus she's a very light sleeper. (that's where i got my genes from too ugh, i need at least 15mins to fall asleep usually) and my dad's been coming home later than before. she wakes up from the bangs here and there my dad makes. or my sis coming home. and cant sleep. and tell me every single day. she's dieting too. hardly eating. maybe that's why she's weaker, yeah? my dad's silent though. he's not one to complain. or talk or whatever. so i dont know what's going on much in his head. he's more of a thinker yup.

they dont even have sex anymore. haha. since few years i think. i rmb seeing my momma buy condoms when i was small, a single digit year old de. now dont have le.

cant imagine having a split up family. though sometimes i'll think of what i'll do when they tell me that.

i dont suppose it'll happen, will it?

i haven seen them rly chat for a long, long time alrdy.

i'll think: who i'll go with if they spilt? how will i reach to the news?
i think i have a wild imagination. well, i alrdy know i do. what crap haha.

more jumbled thoughts, no jumping to wrong conclusions please. allow me to blog anything i want on my blog.

are you with her or me?
why dont i feel much when i tell you that?
im split. i dont wna it to be like that. but i dont wna it to be like that either. because by holding on to you, i'll lose another. and i think that another is more impt to me. but i dont wna lose you either. i feel like crying now.
感觉好难做人啊。
i know it's harder for you. but i have my own troubles too. all along i've been trying to give you all the support i can. now im feeling very split. i dont wna leave you alone. i wna prove my honeyed words true. but somehow i know it wont be like that. i wont get what i want. i dont wna leave you. i dont wna leave them either.
i feel im doing what had been done. but i cant stop it. maybe that's why i understand now. but it's different, it is. it's not as layered. but in another way, it's similar. very similar. i cant, maybe i can but i dont want to.
what if i get a B3?
why do you seem to be with both? why i wonder so much?
wldn't it be worse if time goes by, her feelings grow stronger for you, and you realise what your heart has been wanting all along: to be with another her. wldn't it hurt her more than if you follow what your heart wants now, if it is to be with that another her?
what if i get a B?
i feel tired. over many things.
i dont wna make promises because im scared i will break them.
i feel further away,
maybe it aint meant to be?
no, trust, trust.
this is so fucked up, it's not after exams at all.
i wna play. i havent rly gone out at all. i dont have the feeling of after exams at all.
sometimes i jus wna be alone. so i dont have to make a choice. but i still want someone to be with me.
i still will get nervous.
but sometimes i feel nothing.
why does it make such an impact. maybe it isnt' as strong as i thought it was,
maybe i dont even trust myself.
i wish my ahma will go overseas next week too, so i dont have to go home at all.
but there's no point is there.
i wna walk where there's nobody else in the wee hours, to do what i cant.
why the fuck do you let him go so fast?
根深蒂固。
it's always like that. males over female.
why the hell am i blogging when i've only finished 4A?
why do i say those words: life wld be boring if everyone was always happy, but am feeling so tired, so hellish, so pained, so.. shitty now.
i am a optimistic person, the one who always looks on the bright side and always, always can find a good side to anything no matter what.
but now, it doesnt help, it doesnt make me feel better.
the two person who can make me smile best when i cry is moon and fyc.
i jus pushed my dad away. now i feel worse.
im sry. sry.
i dont want wj to be kicked out. that's another friend gone
and i think im happy to have made new friends thrgh amazing race.
okay bye bye world, im going back to the black words on white paper.
jiayou moon, you're jus gna do well, i know that. dont go there tmr okay?
i feel insignificant, far away from everyone, small, a bean in the world,

my dad jus grinned at me. so boyishly cute.
i love my dad so much. i grinned back at him.
i think if they divorced, im going to go with my dad
but i think my momma will need us more.